It’s been said that how you separate and divorce is how you move into the next phase of your life. So, what’s in the way of your experiencing success in your personal and professional life after your divorce?
Many times, a divorce can shake the very foundation of a person’s life. Many people are drained, physically, emotionally and spiritually, after a breakup. You need to rebuild. You need to heal. But if you hold onto all the bitterness and anger and disappointment of the marriage, you won’t heal. Your wounds will fester.
So, what can you do? For starters, if you keep thinking about your ex and how bad he or she was, or what he or she did to you, or if you keep blaming them, you’re just going to go deeper into the bitter and angry hole that you’re already in.
However, even if the divorce was initiated by you and felt like sweet relief, you may still grieve the loss of a dream. Give yourself time to grieve, and have compassion for yourself. Don’t expect to transform overnight. Be gentle with yourself. Commit to taking especially good care of yourself during the months after your divorce and then take action to that end. This kindness toward yourself will radiate out and draw good will into your life at a time when you need it.
Work on accepting what happened and then move on with your life. It is sometimes a challenging thing to do, especially when your ex has seriously wronged you. You can look at this as an opportunity for you to grow and change beyond the person you were when you entered into the marriage. And when you accept what happened, you will then be able to take the next step, which is healing from it.
Do the inner work it takes to heal from the marriage and the divorce. Trust that you will heal. Believe in yourself, because if you don’t believe you can heal and have a good life again, then you won’t get it. See if you can look at your marriage from a more objective perspective, because it takes two to tango and two to divorce. What part did you play in the marriage’s unhappiness? This is a tough one because if you were served papers or were the one who was betrayed, you might feel completely innocent of having contributed in any way to the marriage’s demise. Take a deeper look, because you might learn more about yourself, and this is information you can take into the next relationship you will have.
Don’t look at all prospective romances with jaded eyes. What happened in the past doesn’t predict how a new love interest will be. Get the counseling and support you need to resolve the anger, sadness, guilt, shame and bad memories from the marriage. You want to leave the old baggage behind so you can meet a new romantic partner without working out all the old stuff that was unresolved from your first marriage.
Expect the best. Instead of expecting that bad things are going to happen because you went through a bad marriage, expect that something really good is going to happen. Don’t be a Pollyanna, however, and continue to do the inner work you need to heal from the pain of the marriage and divorce.
If you find yourself falling into self-pity, you will want to look at how that makes you feel. Repeating “Why me?” and “Poor me” will gain you plenty of support, because maybe you were done wrong. But feeling sorry for yourself and having other people feel sorry for you isn’t going to get you where you want to be, which is healed from the past and feeling good about the present and your future.
And, in fact, you can plan for yourself a time in the day or the week when you are going to have a “pity party.” Then schedule it on your calendar and set a timer. Once the time is up, end the pity party. Promise yourself that you’ll get to have another pity party next week, but don’t get lost in the sadness and grief.
Try to surround yourself with positive people. If you hang out with people who are talking bad about their exes and their lives, you won’t necessarily get on with your life with your best foot forward.
Contact the Law Office of Len Conner & Associates
At the Law Office of Len Conner Associates, we offer a free initial consultation in all family law matters, including issues relating to divorce. Send us an e-mail or call our office at (972) 445-1500 or (817) 288-4168 if you’re in the Dallas-Fort Worth area. Or call us toll free at (877) 613-5800 for an appointment.
